It’s a common enough thought — I just chose the wrong person for a partner, and if given a chance, I will choose better (I hope) next time. I heard it just yesterday in the checkout stand at Long’s. Two women were talking about their former relationships and one spoke of her ex-husband as “the wrong guy,” though her words about him were far more ferocious and graphic than this. You’d have thought the guy was Charles Manson. Maybe he was. Hey, I live in California.
What a bind we Americans are in! On the one hand, we each grow up being told and believing that there is some “special person,” some person who is “the one for me,” another human being who is the perfect match for me. If I can find that person, my life will be right and I can be truly happy.
But get this. We also grow up being told and believing that “only I am ultimately responsible for my own happiness.” If I am to be happy, “it’s up to me.” American heroes tend to be loners, characters portrayed by Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, Katherine Hepburn — who ironically lose their hero status once they do fall in love and “settle down.” They become boring.
Youch!
The horns of the dilemma are thus that I must “find that special person” who will make me happy, but I have to remain fervently individualistic in the meantime.
I can’t let another person run my life, but I also can’t be happy unless “we two are one.”
Is it any wonder that many of us tend to approach relationships skeptically, but also idealistically? The marriage rate has not been slowed down by the data on divorces, and divorces have not been slowed down by the marriage rate.
An answer to the dilemma is not simple, but it is achievable. A first step is recognizing that having a partner in life is indeed preferable in life to being alone, for most people.
A second is that normal relationships all include disillusionment, and many other definable steps along the way to real intimacy.
Discovering difference from your partner is normal, feeling betrayed by that difference is normal, your idealism is normal, your skepticism is normal, even feeling abandoned is normal.
Saying stupid things is normal. Having your sex life change over time and feeling unhappy and disappointed over this is normal.
Feeling hopeless and helpless in a relationship is also normal at certain times in everyone’s relationship. It is even normal in the course of a relationship (shocking as it may seem to some of us) to wish for your partner to have a nice tidy fatal accident on the way home from work; and normal to feel awful about having such a thought.
Even more important, it is normal to not know how to deal with these problems.
How many classes did you have in your education that told you how to really deal with a profound difference between you and your partner?
How often did your parents sit you down and speak with you about how to work out a disagreement or a disappointment with your partner (if you did have these things, God bless you!).
If you are normal, you have much more training for a job that you might not even care much about than you did for the incredibly demanding life skills of being a partner to someone you love.
This is why a reasonable amount of real dedication to learning about relationships, what works and what doesn’t, is as important as anything you can possibly do in life. I recommend that you find a good source of information — one that fits for you personally — and put some effort into the relationship you already have rather than dreaming about the one you don’t.

Q: “I’m getting married in a month and want to know why so many marriages end in divorce. What should I look out for? How can I prevent divorce?”  ~Sandra, Houston TX

A: Understanding why a marriage or relationship might fail can alert couples to their own unique relationship vulnerabilities. These are not meant to be doom-and-gloom predictions about anyone’s marriage, but rather information to help you identify potential marriage problems that can arise and that should be addressed.

Let’s look at five reasons why a marriage or relationship might not survive.

Marriage help: 5 reasons marriages end in divorce

1. The marriage or relationship started for the wrong reasons.

The motivation to marry or start a committed relationship was an act of escapism, not love. For instance, you married to flee an abusive household, or to avoid feelings of loneliness, or to cover up the pain of a failed first marriage. While this doesn’t mean your marriage is destined to end, it does pose some challenges.

Preventative Measure: For this marriage to survive, it’s important to separate the person you married from the reasons you married him/her. This will allow you to break the negative associations and really “see” the person you now call “husband” or “wife.”

2. The couple has grown apart over the years to such a degree that there are no longer any common interests.

The “we” of the marriage or relationship has been neglected to such a degree and for so long that you no longer recognize the person you fell in love with. When this occurs, the relationship may feel like it offers little meaning to your life and the danger is that you’ll seek to get all of your needs met outside of the relationship.

Preventative measures: Make the commitment and take the necessary steps to keep your marriage/relationship a priority—even when life and competing priorities seem to get in the way.

3. Years of unresolved conflicts and deep emotional wounding have shattered the very fabric of the union.

Chronic defensiveness, resentments and deep emotional pain caused by a relationship that has spiraled out of control have invaded the union and dissolved the foundation of mutual love and respect.

Preventative measures: Have those uncomfortable discussions to make sure important issues don’t go underground where they can fester. You may need to seek professional help to get things moving in the right direction.

4. One or both parties unconsciously repeat unhealthy relationship patterns from their family-of-origin

We’re all vulnerable to repeating patterns from our past. When unhealthy relationship patterns predominate (e.g., acting abusive just like your father did), combined with an unwillingness to examine these destructive dynamics, one’s marriage is placed at serious risk.

Preventative measures: Reflect on your parents’/caregivers’ relationship and think about how you want to be different from them in your role as a husband/wife or partner. Each day make a conscious effort to stop negative family-of-origin patterns.

5.  The marriage or relationship is built upon expectations that cannot support the realities of a committed relationship.

We all hold expectations about what a marriage or romantic relationship should look like. When overly romanticized dreams predominate (my spouse should always make me happy), you’re likely to feel disillusioned and not commit to the work that all marriages/relationships require.

Preventative measures: Examine the expectations you hold about marriage and share this with your spouse—discuss any differences in perspective that may exist between you and then take a hard look at which expectations feel realistic and which are likely to buckle under the day-to-day realities of life.

While the above list isn’t exhaustive, it does capture some of the most common, essential reasons marriage problems arise and why an initially loving, committed relationship can fail to thrive over the long haul. Don’t forget to take the preventative measures needed to keep your marriage or relationship healthy.

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“I really hate it when we argue…but I’ve also learned so much about my husband from our fights and we have a stronger relationship now.” ~Sandra, married seven years

Even the most effective communicators get into spats now and then. And despite your best efforts at marital bliss, you and your partner will disagree and argue from time to time.

But not all conflict is bad—conflict (if handled correctly) can teach you a great deal about yourself and your spouse or partner.

Relationship Help: From conflict to connection

Ideally, conflict can lead to an increase in mutual understanding and a healthy re-adjustment of your relationship, rather than estrangement. Of course, during a heated exchange it may feel like your world is ending and that you’re in love with the most unreasonable person on the planet—so how can such an unwelcome experience lead to growth?

The opportunity for greater intimacy comes after an argument, in the post-conflict analysis.

Have you ever noticed how most sporting events have a post-game analysis? By going over what happened, coaches and athletes discover what worked and didn’t, they examine their strengths (what they should be doing more of) and their areas of vulnerability (what they should change); they then set goals for how to use this information to improve future performance.

Doesn’t your marriage or relationship deserve this level of attention?

Marriage help action steps:

So here are a few post-conflict questions for you and your spouse or partner to reflect on (try to think of a few of your own):

1. What can I learn about myself (my strengths and areas of vulnerability) from how I reacted and behaved during the conflict?

2. What can I learn about my spouse or partner (his/her strengths and areas of vulnerability) from how s/he reacted and behaved?

3. How can I use this information to show more understanding and greater appreciation of my spouse or partner?

The information gathered from these questions can ultimately lead to more effective communication and greater intimacy. To get the most out of your post-conflict analysis, it will be important for you to wait until you regain your emotional footing—in other words, you should feel calm and centered while reflecting on these questions (so you may need to wait until any strong, residual feelings left over from the conflict dissipate).

You will strengthen your relationship when you make a post-conflict analysis a regular part of your marriage or relationship.

Do you want to receive powerful relationship tips each month?

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As a bonus you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue before your arguments control you.”

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level?

I’ve just completed the newest Healthy Relationship Program e-workbook.