Do men who are drunk with power often turn into sexual predators — or is there some kind of behavioral link between being a power-monger and being someone who gets off on sexual assault? This chicken-or-egg question was posed in a recent New York Times article that noted, “the headlines are a relentless reminder of how often success seems to breed serial philanderers, groping boors, and worse, sexual deviants.”

But gaining a powerful position in the world doesn’t make a guy more likely to act out sexually, according to a handful of social scientists and therapists like Ronald F. Levant, a psychologist at the University of Akron. “Power is a facilitator,” he told The Times. “It provides opportunities to men with certain appetites but seldom changes personality in any fundamental way.”

Nonetheless, as the article also reported, studies have found that people in positions of great power are often clueless about the emotions of the people they interact with. That can lead to “objectifying others in a self-interested way,” according to a study out of Northwestern University that The Times described. In other words, it’s likely that powerful men think women like them a lot more than the ladies actually do (and that a person like Arnold Schwarzenegger believed his targets would like it when he groped them). 

Have you had uncomfortable sexual encounters with powerful men who didn’t seem to realize that you just weren’t that into them? 

LalaV and her husband pose in front of a carousel.

Turtle Pond Photography

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In two recent posts, I’ve talked about the advice grief educator Val Walker gives on how to help friends who are dealing with the end of a relationship, whether from a breakup or the loss of a loved one. Those posts have focused mostly on what to say. Now, let’s talk about myths surrounding the art of comforting — and about a few things you should (and shouldn’t) do if you want to help.

Saying (or e-mailing or tweeting) “I’m here if you need me” usually comforts our friends.
Unfortunately, a statement like that is not comforting for most people dealing with grief. Saying “if you need me” leaves it up to your friend to call you, but she probably doesn’t want to be a burden, and reaching out will probably make her feel “needy.” It’s much better for your friend to be offered something specific from you, which she can feel free to accept or not. For example, say or text, “If you like, I can give you a call Monday night.” This way, your friend knows you will be there for her — that you really mean it. This is so much more comforting than a vague promise. If your friend is feeling too sad or hurt in her grief to accept your invitation, it is important that you as a comforter never take personally your friend’s refusal to your offer. Whether you offer a phone call, your home-cooked lasagna, a walk in the park together, or just a big hug, if your friend says “no, thanks,” you need to be okay with that. You shouldn’t be putting any pressure on the person who is grieving. Also, there is nothing wrong with gently offering your phone call again, say, a week or two later, as most likely your grieving friend is going through changing and confusing emotions and may feel differently days later.

The friend who gives a hug is more comforting than the friend who runs an errand to help you out.
Most grieving people like a reliable, true blue friend who they can count on just as much as they want a huggy, warm person to comfort them. You don’t have to be touchy-feely or warm-and-fuzzy to be supportive.

Comforting the friend means having a big heart-to-heart talk about the break-up.
Often grieving people just want low-key, undemanding companionship, just “hanging out” — watching a favorite TV show together, or throwing a Frisbee for your dog, or just sitting quietly on the porch watching a sunset. We can offer to listen, and if they want to have a heart-to-heart, that’s great. But if no talking happens, that’s okay, too.

Good comforters always know what to say.
Sometimes there really is little that can be said, except that you’re sorry for their loss. Offering to listen is one of the best things you can do. Showing empathy and concern is wonderfully comforting in itself. Just showing up and being attentive is all that is needed sometimes. Your eyes speak volumes when you really listen.

In February Mr. High Wire’s parents, brother, and brother’s girlfriend all came into town and we went on a cake and flower consult! For some reason I kept switching the letters around, hence the post title—”Flakes and Cowers.”

This vendor does catering, cakes, flowers, linens, decor, and coordinating! What a one-stop shop.

It was really tempting to dive head first and book this one vendor for as many things as possible. It means fewer vendors that we have to coordinate with on the day of, right?

So much of the wedding industry is fueled by word of mouth. Companies blossom and die by the reviews people post of them online. My biggest piece of advice is to read, read, read every review you can find about a wedding vendor in advance of meeting them. You don’t want to find out an affordable caterer served cold roast beef instead of filet mignon at your own wedding, right? If you read reviews online, you’d know well in advance about issues like this.

While this vendor didn’t have 100% positive reviews based on all of their services, they DID have great reviews on both their cake and flower services. So, I felt comfortable meeting them. We do plan on serving cake at the wedding and want to have some floral decor throughout, but I can safely say that these two are not at the tippity-top of our priority list. So here was where we were willing to spend a little less and take a chance on a vendor without perfect marks across the board.

The owner quoted us a great price for what we were looking for. (I’ll share my cake/flower inspiration in a future post.) The quote also included some colored linens! This was a big fat “probably impossible” addition to the wedding…but since this vendor had so many types of services under their belt, they also quoted us a great deal on linens for the reception. We are having brown pin-tuck overlays over the venue-provided white tablecloths. They are going to look somethin’ like this:

Image via A to Z Party Rental

Who knew one could be so excited about linens??

Sunday of that weekend, all the ladies trekked over to the Dallas Bridal Show. This is where it’s at, folks. This show was well executed and very well put together: a vast improvement over the Great Bridal Expo we went to a few weeks before. It was also fun when vendors would ask questions like, “So, do you have a DJ yet?” or “Do you have a dress yet?” and I could respond with a resounding, “YES, yes I do.”

More on The Dress later!

Did you read reviews before booking your vendors? Anyone have any funny stories from bridal shows?

Although I usually don’t have such an emotional response to the Day’s Craziest Story, I teared up when reading about the jilted bride in eastern China who tried to commit suicide.

On what was supposed to be her wedding day, she heard that her partner had called off the wedding — and married someone else. The distraught 22-year-old student was in a community center when she pushed herself off the 80-foot-tall ledge of the building. But amazingly, the center’s director managed to grab the skirt of her white gown, and then her neck … and with some assistance from people on the floor below, who were pushing up her feet, he eventually managed to pull her back inside the window. The pictures are pretty crazy, and the video is a bit hard to believe at first — you wonder a little if the whole thing was some kind of weird stunt — until you see the EMTs rushing the weakened young woman into an ambulance.

We’ve all been there — so sad after being dumped or dissed by some guy we thought could be the one that life doesn’t seem worth living — or close to it. But things change, and there is so much life ahead! To paraphrase one commenter in this New York Post story, though this woman doesn’t realize it yet, she was saved for someone better!

What I’m trying to say is she shouldn’t lose hope. None of us should.

Have the worst moments in your life helped lead you to more happiness than you thought possible? Have your lows paved the way for your highs? Or did you simply recover more than you ever thought you could from a bad breakup? Let us in on it, so we can remember your phoenix stories for the next time we hit bottom. Or, thank goodness, are saved from hitting it.